TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally from location. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Of course, certain, let's have A different spot where by American Males can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst former negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: provide Every person a suite within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It really is that he need to end applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the challenge, replied, "You recognize, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Great tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a feature staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following getting the creating's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not just hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Features


Probably the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are unsure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting notice from international buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will also include:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel in which my PTSD can have switch-down company."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly Trump Tower Damascus made available to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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